No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.
— Oscar Wilde.
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
-Mark Twain.
Surviving the Pandemic as a student with depression!
With the pandemic raging on I often wonder how people of 14th century Europe handled the Black Death- besides the fear, pandemonium and religious extremism- which seem all very relatable these days.
It’s been awhile since my last blog post. The past few months has been tough. Learning how to cope in a non-destructive way takes time and persistence- it’s like a learning process to ‘unlearn’ all the maladaptive behaviors.
Surviving each day by taking one step at a time is key -though there are days where those dark clouds and storms still rear their ugly head. Or intrusive thoughts drives me to the fringes of sanity.
Currently doing my Thesis on Self-Compassion and Mindfulness; which has been a journey in itself. A journey of self-discovery.
Studying with depression is tricky and there are days where getting out of bed is the biggest challenge of all! (Of course, overcoming writer’s block is the other!!) =(
Mindfulness is being aware of the present moment; be it thought, action, body senses (i.e sights, smells, etc.) while having a non-judgemental attitude towards it.
Self-compassion is more than just ‘loving oneself’, but also accepting of one’s failures, inadequacies and shortcomings. It also differs from self-indulgent or self-pity.
Thus, the one thing I’m learning in my battle with depression is ….
**BE KIND TO YOURSELF!**
Which may seem straightforward or logical, but it ‘magically disappears’ when my mindset setting goes back to ‘Default’ – and all the negativity comes back.
So, learn to cultivate self-compassion as part of your daily routine (e.g. could be through morning or evening meditation or posting sticky notes at your desk or mirror as a kind reminder).
2021 is around the corner, but there’s no guarantee it will be better- historical pandemics seem to last at least 2 years! Change is inevitable, some for the better and others not (like economy and politics!). But Self-Compassion should remain ‘constant’…like Homeostasis 😉
Practicing Mindfulness in the midst of depression.
Lately, I’ve been feeling very anxious and while studying psychology has given me a plethora of coping techniques and insights. It still can be difficult getting through the day when that dark cloud is above my head.
Being mindful can make a difference (results may vary depending on grit and overall mood). However, I’ve learned that it’s okay to have a good cry and then go on a date with myself and reflect on things; being aware of my emotions, thoughts, motives, and even how my body reacts to certain things is very important, but often dismissed or neglected, which can lead to bottled up emotions that inevitably explodes with Vesuvius-like ferocity.
I usually find it easier to be in the comforts of home, just taking a moment to breathe in deeply, focusing on my breathing and not thinking for few minutes helps to ‘reset’ my thoughts. If I’m out, I’ll find a quiet spot at a café, earphones plugged without listening to anything where I can detach myself from the surrounding noise, settle down, take a moment to enjoy a hot cup of tea and/or a slice of cake with a journal or sketchbook in hand.
Stress painting
Lately my stress levels have reached its peak threshold brought on by recent exams; that’s when my ability in daily functioning gets messed up. And besides my low appetite and disrupted circadian rhythm, I would need a therapeutic fix in order to achieve some form of ‘normalcy’.
Recently, I had to crest an emotional hill and needed some form of inspiration. Currently, the painting is halfway complete…
Other forms of stress release is wire jewellery; earrings rings, etc…. perhaps that will be for another day.
Things I would tell my 18 year-old self.
I had a misconception about how life would be when and after I reached 18; mostly that everything will be set in place and that I would be ‘free’ from stereotypical high school drama and tense family relationships. Then, life happened. It’s ‘shocking’ that it didn’t go according to plan- according to how I planned how life should be.
Here are 4 important lessons I wish I could tell my 18 year-old self;
1. Accept who you are.
It’s normal to admire someone and aspire to be like them. However, you should always stay true to yourself and be comfortable in your own skin and not to compare yourself to others -especially when there is pressure to conform or when you are feeling out of the mainstream and trying to fit in.
2. Not to be afraid or discouraged by disappointments and failures.
It’s okay to fail and be disappointed by both disappointments and failures. Take time to heal from it, and pick yourself up and try again. Remember what inspired you in the first place.
3. Accepting change
Change is inevitable, it’s an evolving process that basically has nothing to do with you -but you’re part of it (and to keep your sanity) learning to adapt with change takes time, courage and patience. Adapting to change is also multifaceted; different aspects in life (i,e, likes/dislikes/perspectives might change over time, friends come and go, products gets rebranded or discontinued, etc.)
4. Don’t bottle up emotions- learn to acknowledge and resolve them.
This takes practice and time. Find a form of self-expression (i.e. art, embroidery, gardening, jewelry making, journaling, sculpting, sports, etc.). Finding an adaptive form of expression, while confronting the issue head on keeps the ‘inner monsters and demons’ at bay or rear its ugly head and paralyzes daily routine and functioning. It’s also helpful knowing what your personality type is (extrovert vs. introvert) as they have different ways of thinking and distressing.
DarkArt: Painting through my Depression
!!Warning: Some might find the images disturbing and the content triggering. Please seek professional help if you encounter discomfort or distress!! †
I was prompted to ask myself what my fears were after watching IT (2017) (no pun intended), especially while at my lowest point going through another episode of depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts at that time. Painting is a form of self-therapy when I can’t find the words to express my thoughts (both abstract and intrusive) or the strong emotions associated with life circumstances and traumatic events.
Keeping up appearances while going through inner turmoil, along with trying to keep those demons at bay is not easy. Acting normal or at least socially acceptable just adds to the complexity of an already complicated predicament. However, I did find a sense of relieve after painting each time. It’s still a long road to recovery and healing. Dealing with those ‘monsters in the locked vault’ means I’ll need to face my fears.
On of the lessons I’ve learned is that what makes the journey ‘endurable’ is even in the midst of all the mess and craziness; taking one day or one step at a time and giving myself credit for the little progress made gives me a glimmer of hope no matter how dark the sky over my head becomes.
EvnikiA 